


The Beauty In the Darkness

by itsrynftw (KoolHats18)



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Dark, Gay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-14 16:24:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16044131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoolHats18/pseuds/itsrynftw
Summary: Gerard Way's life changed forever the day his parents died in a car accident. That's the day he became an orphan, and was forced to move in with his grandma Elena. That's the day when the depression and anxiety set in, taking over his life. That's when the horrible nightmares and paranoia ate him away. Feeling worthless and without hope, he attempted suicide, only to be found by his younger brother Mikey, passed out on the bathroom floor. Gerard is trying his hardest not to let something like that happen again but the tormenting thoughts that plague his hopeless mind drive him to the edge. After having a huge incident during school that sent a boy to the hospital Mikey and Elena decide it's best to send Gerard to the local mental hospital for treatment.Little did he know that he would meet someone there that would put the light back into his life.





	1. ~Welcome to My Hopeless Mind~

**Author's Note:**

> ~TRIGGER WARNINGS~  
> -Mentions of suicide/self harm  
> -Mentions of past abuse/rape  
> -Homophobia  
> -Strong language  
> -Violence

Angry scratches taint my paper white skin. My nails jagged and harsh as they tear at the flesh. The fiery burn subsides and I am left wondering why the hell I do this to myself. It's torturous but blissful all at the same time. Blood trickles out of a few of the deeper cuts.

Insane,

that's what they would call me.

Just a sucker for the darkness that consumes me. Without fear of consequences. Holding on to the distraction that the pain brings me. Giving me relief from my thoughts.

_You're worthless._

They scream.

_Everyone hates you._

_Useless._

_Stupid._

_Just a burden to the world._

I just want it to stop. I hate myself so much because I know it's stupid. I know I'm just paranoid. I know I'm crazy. All I ever do is freak out about absolutely nothing. But I can't stop it. It's useless to even try.

_You're useless._

Anxiety creeps around me lashing out it's thorny tendrils that snake their way into my head. I'm hopeless. Completely hopeless. Tears start to spill from my eyes. I curse myself for giving into the thoughts. I'm weak and it's pointless to fight it.

A loud knocking on the bathroom door sends me back into reality.

"Gerard! Fucking hurry up in there! I need to piss and we are going to be late for school." I hear my little brother Mikey yell from the other side of the door. He jiggles the doorknob, making me thankful that I locked the door. I wipe away some of the tears fallen on my face and pull myself off the cold tile floor.

"Hold on! Jeez you're so impatient." I turn on the sink, hopping that Mikey didn't notice the sorrow in my voice. The last thing I need is him worrying. Especially not after the events of last month.

My reflection stares back at me. With its sunken eyes and jet black hair. My eyes are puffy and red, tainted with the effects of my crying session. The water is cold as I splash it onto my face and wash my horrid scratches. I pull down the sleeves of my jacket to hide the red lines on my arm and open the door, careful to keep my head down and away from Mikey's cold glare.

"Gerard. Look at me." Oh shit. "I'm not stupid, I know you've been crying."

"I don't want to talk about it Mikey,"I mutter. "Just get ready so we can get to school."

"No, you can't keep avoiding your problems Gerard. We both know how that works out." He shot me another glare his voice cold and harsh.

"Shut the fuck up Mikey you have no idea what you're talking about." I clenched my jaw and crossed my arms, knowing exactly where he was going with this.

"Then what the hell was it?! What the fuck made you try to kill yourself Gerard?!" I stayed quiet and looked down in shame, chewing on my bottom lip. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt?" His voice cracked and a pang of guilt rocked through me.

_So stupid... he should have let you die._

"Mikey please stop. I-I can't do this right now."

"Yeah, of course you can't." He scoffed and shut the door to the bathroom with force. Things just haven't been the same between me and Mikey since our parents died in a car accident and we were forced to move in with our grandma Elena. They really haven't been the same since he found me passed out on the bathroom floor, barely holding on to life just last month.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a mug for my coffee. I sipped the bitter drink hoping to calm my nerves. After about 10 minutes Mikey walked into the kitchen. He ignored me and grabbed himself some coffee. The back door slammed loudly as Mikey stormed out of the house to go wait in the car. I had a bad feeling about this day.


	2. ~This Is How I Disappear~

We rode in silence. Leaving room for my thoughts to start going wild again. I finally found a parking spot and Mikey got out as fast as humanly possible.

I made my way to my first period class, careful to keep my head down and avoid everyone's judging gaze. The hushed whispers of my classmates fills my ears as I pass by. I hear my name thrown into their sentences with malice. 

They all think I'm a freak of nature, which to some extent they aren't wrong but it still really fucking hurts.

_They all hate you._

Oh no here we go again. I try to shut it out but it's deafening.

_They wouldn't even care if you dropped dead on the floor._

I sit down in my seat and start to scratch my arm discretely under my shirt sleeve.

_They would be better off without you._

Someone kicks my chair and I tense up. My breath comes out in heavy jagged waves. The tide picks up and I can't stop it.

"Everyone pull out your homework from last night and turn it in!" My teacher yells from the front of the room. Unfortunately I didn't do said homework because I fell asleep as soon as I got home from school.

_You're so fucking useless you can't even do your stupid math homework._

Shut up. Just shut up. Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP.

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" I scream. Oh god I said that out loud. Everyone turns and stares at me.

"Excuse me Mr. Way I will not tolerate that kind of language or behavior in my class. Please see me in the hallway." Oh shit oh shit oh shit. My breathing gets heavier and the threat of tears burns my eyes. A few people snicker from the other side of the room. 

"No, please I-I-I swear I wasn't talking to you I-I just- I can't- I can't." I stutter out. Shaking my head. More people laughed and whispered to each other in hushed voices.   


"I don't care. Hallway. Now." Her voice was as stern as her expression.

_See even your teacher doesn't care._

I close my eyes and try to calm down.

"Look the little freak doesn't know what to do." I hear one of the boys in my class say through his laughter. Anger clouds my mind and I shoot him a glare. "Oh god now he's probably going to kill me like he killed his parents." I get up from my chair in a fury. I walk over to the boy, whose name I never bothered to remember.

_He's right you're the reason they're dead. If you hadn't been so stupid none of that would have happened._

"Don't fucking talk about my parents asshole." I growled through grit teeth.

"Gerard come with me right now!" My teacher hissed.

_Pathetic piece of shit._

The boy snickered and I lashed out and attacked him. I shoved him harshly and he fell hitting his head on a desk with force. My mind went numb as I jumped on top of him, the only sensation coming from my hand connecting with his face. Red painted my vision and I couldn't stop myself anymore. I continued bashing his head in until two arms, belonging to who I can only assume was my teacher, pulled me off of the unconscious boy who was now all bloody and bruised. I clawed at the arms holding me back and struggle against them crying and screaming bloody murder. I break free from the iron grip of my teacher and run out of school.

My legs pumped for awhile until my chest was plagued with an aching fire begging me for a break. I stopped and looked around me. I vaguely knew where I was but it was miles from my home. It all became so overwhelming and I broke down again.

_Great just add this to the list of fuck ups._

Hot tears started to paint down my cheeks. Why the hell am I like this? Why can't I just be normal? Did I kill that boy? Oh god what is Mikey going to think? Or my grandma?

_They'd be better off without a stupid fuck like you._

I sat down in the grass and cried for what felt like hours until I was interrupted by a buzzing coming from my pocket. I wiped my tear streaked face and took out my phone. The screen read Mikey.

I hesitated unsure whether or not to answer, fearing he would never forgive me. I looked around realizing that I had no other option then to face my little brother.

"H-hey mikes." I struggled out unable to stop my voice from shaking.

"Oh my god Gerard where the fuck are you? What the hell I- just please tell me you're safe and- what's going on Gerard?" His voice sounded panicked and it was obvious that he had been crying.

_Good job asshole you made your brother cry._

"I don't- I- I don't know where I am." My voice broke and more tears broke free sliding down my face in streams. "I'm so sorry Mikey. I-I don't know- I don't know what happened." I cursed at the way my voice quivered as I spoke.

"It's ok Gerard just look around you and try to find something that tells you where you are."

"I see- I see a-a road. I didn't run for all that long- I just-I- I don't know Mikes. There's- there's trees and- I think there's a street sign here." I stopped and looked at the sign. "I'm on the east side of town. Near the park I think. Oh god Mikey I'm so- god I'm so sorry."

"Gerard it's ok calm down. I'll stay on the phone with you until we find you. Just stay where you are."

"O-o-ok." I waited for what seemed like hours sobbing until I ran out of tears, occasionally giving Mikey directions to help him find me.

Finally my grandma's little blue car pulled up in front of me. Mikey hung up the phone and bolted out of the car, enveloping me in a tight hug. He started crying.

"Gerard you scared me so bad-I- I thought-oh god- I thought I lost you again." He chocked out, sniffling a bit. I stroked his light brown hair in an attempt to calm him down.

"Shhhh it's ok Mikes I'm here. I'm here."

"Oh god what are we going to do Gerard? You put that kid in the hospital and I- you could go to jail Gerard."

"I know-I know it'll be ok let's just go home for now."


	3. ~I'm Not Okay~

I went to bed as soon as I got home being tired as fuck from all my panic attacks. I woke up thankful that I didn't have any nightmares. I got up and threw on some clothes that were thrown on my bedroom floor. I didn't bother doing anything with my hair but I did put on a thin line of black eyeliner.

After getting ready, I walked downstairs to see Mikey and my grandma sitting at the kitchen table sipping their coffee.

"Gerard grab some coffee and sit down please. We need to talk about what happened yesterday." My grandma said. My heart sunk in my chest as I recalled the events from yesterday.

_Fucking worthless, they can't even look at you. You're just a disappointment._

"Oh, uh ok." I made myself some coffee and sat down across from them.

"Gerard um- I don't know how to say this but uh, we were talking last night and um-we were thinking uh-" Mikey muttered.

"Thinking what?" I interjected. Worried about what he might say.

"Gerard, we think it's best if-" he paused. "If we send you to a mental hospital for treatment." He rushed out. I took a minute to process what he had said and tried to find words to respond.

_See they can't even deal with you._

"Wha-what? I uh, I don't know what to say. I'm- it's bad, I know- I-I just I thought I could handle it on my own." The reality of the situation hit me. "Oh god I'm so sorry. I'm-I'm- I'm a monster!" Another round of tears left my hazel eyes.

_You're a horrible person._

"No, no Gerard it's okay. It'll be okay. That's why we're sending you to the hospital, to get you help." Elena assured me.

"No, it's not okay! It's not okay at all! I'm not okay. I-I- oh god- I nearly killed someone. I'm totally crazy and I can't-I cant do anything about it." The waterworks picked up again and Mikey came over and gave me a hug.

"Gerard, you weren't in the right head space when that happened, it's okay. We are going to send you to get some help and you're going to be alright."

"But-but- but what if I'm not? What if I never get better?" I sobbed. "And what happens when I get out? What then? I won't even have a high school diploma!"

"Gee we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Okay? We just have to hope things will be fine. Alright?" Sometimes it's hard to believe that Mikey is only 16. He seems so wise and mature for his age. Then again he did have to grow up incredibly fast.

"O-okay" I sniffled, wiping my tear stained face."When do I leave? And uh can I bring stuff with me?"

"You leave tomorrow morning and yes, you can bring a few things." My grandma said. "I'll help you pack and clean your room, since I know for damn sure it ain't clean." We all chuckled at that.

About a 3 hours later I had all the things I was allowed to take with me packed away in a duffel bag and my room was relatively clean. I was able to take 1 outfit, a pillow, a blanket, and one personal item which for me was my sketchbook and my markers. I took up drawing after my parents died. My grandma suggested it since she used to paint and she found it very therapeutic. It helped some at first, but eventually everything caught up to me and it wasn't the same anymore. It became more something I did for fun not something that actually helped me.

They weren't super strict about what you couldn't bring as a personal item just as long as you couldn't hurt yourself or someone else with it, considering many people at the hospital, including myself, are suicidal and have a history of violence.

It was only 1 in the afternoon when we finished so we decided that lunch was much needed. Mikey made us a pot of mac and cheese and we all sat down at the table and ate in silence.

"Mikey shouldn't you be in school? It's Tuesday." I asked, breaking the quiet.

"I let him skip, he wanted to be here since it's your last day home for awhile." My grandma answered.

"Oh, right." I looked down at the half empty bowl in front of me. "I guess this is my last day here."

_Yeah because you're a stupid fuck up and they don't want to deal with you._

Mikey gave me a small smile. "I'll miss you. Things won't be the same without you here." He looked sad.

"Mikes you can still visit me." I assured him.

_He won't want to anyway. He doesn't want to see you as the crazy person you are._

"Yeah but only once a week." He looked down and took a small bite of the pasta in front of him.

"Stop it Mikey, you're going to make me cry again. Let's not make this a sad thing, okay?" He nodded. "It's just the same as me going off to college or something."

"Yeah, I guess so." He mumbled.

"So, is there any news on the boy I attacked?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, his name is Adam I think. They said he would be out by the end of the week." Elena spoke up.

"That's good, god I feel so bad. Any word on if they will press charges?"

"It doesn't sound like they will since he was egging you on and you weren't in a good mental state."

"Okay."

We finished our food and my grandma took all our bowls and washed them in the sink. Mikey and I went and put on a movie. We decided to watch Nightmare Before Christmas since it's our favorite movie. We used to watch it with our parents every Christmas and Halloween.

"Hey uh, Mikey?" I asked wanting to make conversation. "Do you think that Mom and Dad's death was my fault?"

"What!? Of course not Gerard! Why the fuck would you think that?" He looked at me like I suddenly turned purple and grew wings.

"Well, I don't know I-I was driving the car Mikes- and I just- I just feel like it's my fault." He wrapped his long twig arms around me.

"Gerard please, please, please don't blame yourself for that, it was out of your hands, the other driver was drunk and ran a red light. You weren't doing anything wrong."

"It should have been me not them." I muttered, looking away. Mikey smacked my arm.

"Don't think like that. I fucking love you Gerard and I don't know how I would have gotten through middle school without you so don't even start with that." Mikey was teased all throughout middle school and I was always there to help him.

"I know." I held back the tears that I felt coming on. I didn't want to cry again. I buried my face into Mikey's shoulder. "God I'm going to miss you so fucking much Mikey."

"Me too Gerard. Me too."

We finished the movie in silence and went to bed, trying not to think about what would happen the next day.


End file.
